Horry Pattor and the Goblet of Whatever
by Frenchy Pommy
Summary: Sequel (of sorts) to Horry Pattor and the Parody of the Third Book. Probably only funny to FBI agents and other people without senses of humour
1. Default Chapter

**Horry Pattor and the Goblet of Whatever**

The Puzzle House

The villagers of Little Hangleton called it the 'Puzzle House' even though no one by the name of Puzzle lived there.  Of course, there was definitely something in the water of Little Hangleton, and the villagers were all extremely thick as a consequence.  One day, a long time ago, there was a murder in the house.  All the mean people that lived there died, and there was much rejoicing (yay!) 

After the parties died down and the people had recovered from their hangovers, they tried to figure out who did it.  One villager, by the name of Frankly Boring, had worked at the puzzle house for several centuries, so the police decided he did it.  He was charged, beaten with pointy sticks and made to pay more tax.  Frankly Boring was understandably pissed about this, so he never went to the village again.  You may be thinking, "How did he get his groceries?"  Well, he ordered them over the Internet and had them delivered.  Before the Internet, he just yelled really loudly.

One fine, bright, sunny night, Frankly was sitting in his lonely little hut thing when he saw a light on in the house.  Being a moron of gargantuan proportions, he decided against calling the police (he had a slight problem with paranoia and was certain the police were really aliens in disguise, sent to take over the world) and walked up to the house himself.  He didn't even tell anyone where he was going- mainly because he thought people sucked.  Plus, he thought that the people in the house were teenagers, and if no one knew he was up there he could murder them without having to worry.  It seemed that the villagers suspicions about him weren't without grounds.  Despite all this, it was a very stupid thing to do.

Of course, stupidity has its rewards.  Frankly found out a good many things about the world that he wouldn't otherwise have known.  The only downside was that he was killed.  Oh well.


	2. The Scare

The Scare****

Horry Pattor woke up crying.  He stopped crying (sniffling every so often) and released the death grip he had on his ratty old teddy bear long enough to clean his sheets- it had been a very _very_ scary dream after all.  Then he tried to remember what had scared him so badly.

"Fluffy bunnies…fluffy bunnies," he whimpered, clutching his teddy closer to him.  "Oh, and Voldemortimer," he added after a minute.   He debated about whether to write to his friends and tell them about the fluffy bunnies (and Voldemortimer) or not.  He decided that they were a pair of losers, and that writing to them was a stupid idea.  Then he had an idea.  One that was less stupid than writing to his loser friends.

"SERIOUSLY BLACK!" he yelled loudly, waking the entire neighbourhood and getting arrested for disturbing the peace.  He then began to write his letter.

_Dear Seriously,_

_Things are boring as usual here.  I wish I could go back to school, or at least to Ron's house, so the plot for the story can begin.  Dudley is still fat.  It's funny._

_The strangest thing happened this morning.  I had a nightmare about fluffy bunnies…it was really scary.  Oh, and my scar hurt.  And I had a dream about Voldemortimer.  But that's not important.  The bunnies were after me.  I'll send this with Owl.  Say hi to Buckteeth and tell him I hope the braces fix his overbite._

_From Horry._

Yes, thought Horry, that does look like a letter.  He scrunched the parchment up and threw it on the floor, then walked downstairs for breakfast, because it was suddenly morning.  


	3. Horry gets GASP Invited Somewhere

Horry gets (gasp) INVITED somewhere

****

Horry's cousin, Dudley, had grown so fat that he had his own climate.  So now he was on a diet.  Needless to say, Dudley was not pleased, but Aunt Peculiar wasn't having any of it.  So, for breakfast, Aunt Peculiar gave Dudley half a grapefruit.  She gave Horry an apple core, cos Dudley didn't get as pissy if Horry ate less than him.  Suddenly (and for no reason whatsoever) a letter arrived.  Uncle Venom went to go get it, and Dudley stole Uncle Venom's bacon.  He ate it then suffered a pulmonary embolism because his arteries were so clogged.  But who cares?  Uncle Venom read the letter. It said:

_Dear Mr and Mrs Horry's relatives,_

_You have no idea who we are, but we're sure you've heard a great deal about Horry from our son Runt.  Or is it the other way around?  I can never get that right._

_Anyhoo, we're going to take your nephew away from you to go watch the QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP, but we thought we should probably let you know.  Have Horry write back the NORMAL way, none of this stupid postman crap.  Bye!_

_Mole-y Weasel_

_P.S. I do hope we've put enough stamps on._

There were no stamps on the envelope, but a million stamps fell out with the letter.  

"Well she did put enough stamps on," said Horry.   Uncle Vernon kicked Horry in the shins.  Horry, seeing that Uncle Vernon was angry, decided to push his luck.  As we all know, Horry is a little thick.

"Can I go?" he asked.  Uncle Vernon looked constipated.  "Don't forget I have an axe wielding maniac for a godfather, who would be perfectly willing to separate your head from your neck if you say no," Horry reminded him, smirking like the obnoxious little shite that he is.  So Uncle Vernon let Horry go (after punching him in his stupid face), cos Horry always gets what he wants.  Horry Horry Horry.


	4. Back to the Incredibly and Amazingly Pov...

Back to the Incredibly and Amazingly Pov House

****

The next day the Weasel's were supposed to come and pick Horry up at five o'clock.  But they were really pov, and didn't have a clock, or a calendar so they were two hours and three weeks late.  The Dursley's were not happy.

"I hope they're dressed normally.  I've seen what _your lot_ can dress like," said Uncle Venom.  "Cross-dressers," he added.  Horry frowned; he didn't think that the Weasel's had any muggle clothes.  Then he realised that Uncle Venom was going to hate them anyway, so at least if they look like runaways from the Mardi Gras he'll have a reason.

"They must think that if they're late they'll get invited for tea," Aunt Peculiar said.  Horry thought that she was probably right, the Weasel's didn't have much money so they wouldn't pass up a free meal.   

The next year the Weasels came to pick up Horry, demolishing half the house in the process.  For some reason the Dursley's weren't too happy about that.  Then Gred and Forge Weasel gave Dudley some toffee, which he ate, despite the fact that he'd already suffered two heart attacks and an embolism that day.   The toffee made his tongue grow and grow until it choked him and he died, but like, who cares?  Horry tried to stay behind and watch Dudley die, but the Dursley's were throwing things at him, and it was only a matter of time before they found the rifle.  

Horry jumped into some fire and burst into flames.  He screamed and screamed and screamed, and finally someone took him to the hospital.  Horry had third degree burns all over his body.  So they gave him some concealer to cover them up and sent him merrily on his way.  Horry went to the Incredibly and Amazingly Pov House, which was still incredibly and amazingly pov.  


	5. Weasel's Wizard Wheezes

Weasel's Wizard Wheezes

****

Horry arrived back at the Incredibly and Amazingly Pov House and they all laughed about how Dudley had died.  Then Mr Weasel came back and yelled at Gred and Forge.

"It _isn't _funny!" he yelled.  "What did you give that muggle boy?!"

"How big did his tongue get?" asked the twins.

"It grew long enough to choke and kill him!"

Horry and the Weasels roared with laughter.

"It _isn't _funny!" yelled Mr Weasel.  "That sort of behaviour seriously undermines wizard-Muggle relations!  I spend half my life campaigning against the mistreatment of muggles and my own sons-"

"We didn't give it to him cos he was a muggle," said Gred.

"Yeah, we gave it to him because he's fat," said Forge.

"Oh…all right then," said Mr Weasel.  They went inside, and Horry discovered that Gred and Forge had created a new asthma medication, called Weasel's Wizard Wheezes.  Mrs Weasel was angry with them.  He also met Runt's older brothers, Billbo and Charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory.  He thought they had very original names. Mr Weasel yelled at Gred and Forge, but then Mrs Weasel yelled even more.  Horry's eardrums burst, but no one cared.  

Whoremyownninny was already there, and she told Horry that he was a loser.  Horry also learnt that Runt's other older brother, Pansy, was working for the Mortuary of Magic.  He was making bowls.  Gred and Forge sent Pansy some shite, which everyone thought was very funny.

Billbo and Charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory smashed some tables, and then everyone ate dinner.


	6. The Bottle of Port

The Bottle of Port

****

Horry woke up early the next day, cos he had to walk to a bottle of port.  Ha ha!  Pansy, Billbo and Charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory didn't have to get up early cos they could fly.  Or something.  Horry, Runt, Whorelakdsjflaskd, Guinea, Gred, Forge and Mr Weasel were all just about to leave when Mrs Weasel discovered that she had a cold.

"Achoo!  Achoo!" she sneezed.  A bunch of lollies and stuff flew out of Gred and Forge's pockets cos it thought that she had done a summoning charm.  Gred and Forge complained, asking for their stuff back cos they'd spent six months making them.

"Fine way to spend six months!" she yelled.  Horry quite agreed, it _was_ a good way to spend six months, making lollies.  He was shocked to find out Mrs Weasel was being sarcastic.

"No wonder you didn't get more OWLS," she finished.  Gred and Forge shrugged.

"It's not our fault.  The pet store was closed, and we couldn't buy the owls anywhere else," Gred said, and they stormed off in a snit.  

They were all walking for awhile when Horry realised that he was a loser.  He said so.  Then he realised that he had no idea how they were getting to the Quidditch world cup, cos he is a loser.  He said so.  Mr Weasel, taking pity on Horry cos it's hard being a loser, told Horry that they were climbing a hill so that they could drink some port that was in a bottle there.  It was _magic_ port, that would instantly transport the drinker somewhere else…as well as make them a bit tipsy.  Horry thought this was a marvellous idea, and said so.  Runt called Horry a loser.

They finally reached the top of the hill, after walking for 120987 hours.  Horry was tired.  Also at the top of the hill was A-moss and Deadric Degree.  They were standing around the bottle of port, giggling and sipping it.  Horry ran over and snatched the bottle of port from them, and A-moss glared at him. Horry looked constipated as A-moss told Deadric that he was better than Horry in every way.  Deadric looked annoyed.

"Don't listen to him Horry," he whispered, slurring his words a little.  "I know I'm better than you."  Horry grinned.  Deadric really was friendly.  Mr Weasel told everyone to take a drink out of the bottle of port.  Whoreaasdoifuasodf drank half the bottle before they could get it off her.  Horry looked around with a lopsided grin as the world spun past.  Then he fell to his knees and threw up.  It seems that Horry can't hold his drink.  Ha ha!


	7. Bagman and Slump

Bagman and Slump

Horry stopped vomiting and looked around.  He had appeared on what looked like a highway.  A semitrailer roared towards him.

"Eep," Harry whimpered before being run over by it.  Fortunately for him (and unfortunately for everyone else) he survived.  He struggled up from where he'd been ground into the road and watched Whoreasldkfjasdfasdfui have an enthralling conversation about world politics with a hunk of roadkill.  Mr Weasel decided that maybe standing in the middle of the road wasn't the greatest idea, so he walked off the road.  Horry followed, being hit by another four cars and a little boy on a tricycle.  When he'd recovered he followed everyone to the campsite.  Whoremyaasdfasdfjfui stopped to throw up a few times along the way- it looks like she can't handle her drink any better than Horry.  Finally they reached the camp manager. Mr Weasel took a deep breath.

"HiI'mMrWeaselandIbookedtwotentstheotherdayIamnotawizardandthisisnottheQuidditchWorldMug," he said.  

"Are you all foreigners?  Cos you all seem to know each other, and everyone who's not from England _must_ know each other," said the camp manager.  Suddenly a wizard appeared in front of him.

"Obliviate!" he yelled. The camp manager's clothes were obliviated.  Horry screamed and fainted.  "Oops…sorry," said the wizard, magically giving the manager some clothes again.  "Remembernomore!" he yelled.  And the camp manager remembered no more.

Mr Weasel led everyone to their campsite so they could set up the tents. He was a bit overenthusiastic when it came to using the hammer, and all the Weasel's had to go to the First Aid tent to fix their broken thumbs.  Finally the tents were finished.  They looked like 16 storey mansions, complete with tennis courts.

"We'll be a bit cramped, but I'm sure we'll all fit," said Mr Weasel, ushering them in. Horry stared.  They were cramped into a tiny, one-man tent about 2 feet by 1 foot. 

"Wow.  So roomy," he said, ignoring the smell of cat poo. Then they all looked around the girl's tent. It's was ten times as big, but without the smell of cat doo-doo.  Then Mr Bagman came along.  He was a bag man, and desperately needed some money, so Mr Weasel encouraged his children to gamble with him. Horry showed off how much money he had by buying himself, Runt and Whoreasldfjadffui a pair of cheap binoculars.  

"I knew I was friends with you for something," said Runt.  Horry grinned. That was a nice thing to say. 

Whoreasldkfjasdfui, not to be outdone even though Horry was 24735735357 times richer than her, bought everyone a TV guide.  Runt had no money, because he spent it all on himself. So Horry and Whoreaksldkfjasldfkfui tried to kill him, but they didn't have time cos the World Mug was about to end. Or begin. Some crap like that.


	8. The Quidditch World Mug

The Quidditch World Mug

Mr Weasel encouraged Horry, Whorealskdjfalskdfjfui and Runt to hurry up by whipping them repeatedly.  They finally reached the top of the stands, which were apparently "prime seats".  Horry looked around.  They were so high up that the people on the ground looked like tiny little ants.

"These can't be prime seats," he said.  "You can't see a thing."  Everyone else looked around too.  It seemed that Horry was right.  Then Whorealksjdflaskjffui realised that the seats were all numbered, and the numbers they were sitting on where all prime numbers.  She told them all so, and they all hit Horry for being a stupid little shite.

Suddenly Horry noticed an ugly little…thing sitting on the seat in front of him.  He screamed, then began to cry.  The little…thing turned to look at him.

"Dobby?" sobbed Horry. "What are you doing here?  I got a restraining order against you, you're not allowed within two million kilometres of me!"  The little…thing frowned.

"I is not Dobby," it said.  "I is Winky, and I has bad grammar."

"House elves are weird," said Runt inanely.  

"Dobby was weirder…but not as weird as you," said Horry.  Runt grinned.  It wasn't very often that he was complimented.

Just then Dragon Malformed came along with his mother NowCeaseher and his father Notlucid.  Malformed made fun of the Weasels, then sat down between his parents so Gred and Forge couldn't kill him.  

After awhile, the team mascots came out.  The I-wish team had lepers, who flew around and threw their limbs at people.  Then the Vulgar had skanks, who pranced around and flirted with everyone.  Finally it was time to begin.

Neither team was very good.  They kept dropping the ball through these goal post things. Horry was horrified.

"What do they think they're doing?" he asked, agape.  "That's not how you play Quidditch!  You somehow manage to score impossible goals and catch impossible catches!"

"Only if you're in Gryffinwindow," Whoreaslkdfjafui pointed out.  "If you're in any other house, you just sit on your broom and wait to lose."

The Vulgar seeker was learning to catch a ball, using a Bugger to practice.  He finally managed to catch one, grinned around like an idiot and was smashed in the face by the other Bugger for not watching what he was doing.  He bled everywhere, making it impossible for the other players to see what they were doing.  Then he caught the Snitch, and that was that.

Bagman presented the I-wish team with the Mug (out of sympathy, it wasn't their fault they couldn't play if their lives depended on it), then had to pay Gred and Forge shiteloads of money because they won the lotto.  Or something.


	9. Gaylord Voldemortimer's Secret Signal

**Gaylord Voldemortimer's Secret Symbol**

****

After the match the Weasels, Horry and Whoreasbasfui went back to their tents.  They talked for awhile, but then Guinea fell asleep in her hot chocolate and drowned.  So they went to bed.

Horry was just having an unrealistic dream where he was actually good at something when Mr Weasel woke him up.  

"We're all gonna die!!!!!" he screamed, then ran out.  Horry and Runt got changed quickly and ran out after him.  When they got outside, they both froze, their mouths open in horror.

"Oh my god!" said Runt, eyes wide.  Horry could understand, there were _fires_.  How inconsiderate!  He said so.  Runt just looked at him funny, then pointed to where some wizards in masks were making Muggles dance to "Hit me baby one more time."  Horry stared.  He couldn't believe anyone could be so cruel.  Suddenly Whoreaslkdbui came along and dragged them into a forest, where they met Dragon Malformed.

"They're after Muggles…better run Poohead," he said.  They argued for a few minutes, then a nuclear bomb went off nearby.  Lots of people screamed.

"Scare easily, don't they?" Malformed said lazily.  Horry quite agreed, radiation wasn't _that_ scary.  "Did your daddy tell you to hide?" asked Malformed.  Horry was confused- he was _sure_ that Dumbwindow had told him that his father was dead.  He was just about to ask when Whorealsdkfjaksdfui said something.

"Where are _your _parents? Out there, with masks?" asked Whorealskjfafui.  

"How did you kno- I mean…maybe?" said Malformed.  Runt was about to yell at Malformed when Whorasdfafui realised the fallout from the nuke was headed towards them.  They ran further into the forest.  After a few minutes they met some students.

_"Où est Madame Maximillionaire?"_ One asked.  

_"_Don't you speak French, Whoreasfasdfbasdfui?" asked Runt.  Whoreasldfasdfui nodded and shoved Runt aside importantly.

_"Quoi?"_ she asked.

_"Où est Madame Maximillionaire?"_ she asked again.

"_Si Napolèon avait conquis la Russie, le cours de l'histoire aurait été très different,"_ Whoreafasfui said.  The girl frowned, then wrinkled her nose.

"_Quoi?"_ she asked disdainfully.

_"Pendant le régne de Louis XIV l'ambassadeur d'un petit etat allemand allait être présentè à la cour de France.  Comme il ne parlait pas bein le français on lui donna un interprète.  Alors, quand il fut présenté à Sa Majesté Louis XIV l'ambassadeur parla d'abord en allemande puis il se tut et laissa la parole à l'interprète.  Celui-ci fit un noble discours plein d'allusions à la grandeur du Roi Soleil.  Quand il cessa de parler l'ambassadeur le prit à part et lui dit:_

_'J'ai compris votre traduction mais ce n'était pas du tout ce que j'avais dit.'  'Non, Monseigneur,' répondit l'interpréte 'ce n'est pas ce que vous avez dit mais c'est bien ce que vous auriez dû dire'"_ said Whoreabasfasldkfjdui.  

The French girls just looked at Whoareasfasbui funny, then ran away.  Then Horry realised he'd lost his wand.  He curled up into a little ball and sobbed.  After a few minutes of this Winky the house elf ran past.  Barmy Slump Junior was holding on to her and holding her back.

"Hey!  You're meant to be dead!" yelled Whorasdlfafuy, point at Barmy Slump.  Slump looked confused, then looked down at himself.

"Shite, forgot the Invisibility Cloak that makes you invisible…" he said, then smiled winningly.  "Just forget you ever saw me, okay?" he said.  Horry, Runt and Whoreakfjaksduiasdf agreed, and Barmy ran off.

And then, without warning, the silence was rent by a voice unlike any they'd heard in the wood; and it uttered, not a panicked shout, but what sounded like a spell.

"EAT DEATH!!!"

And something vast, pink and glittering erupted from the patch of darkness Horry's eyes had been trying to penetrate; it flew over the treetops and into the sky.

"The hell?" gasped Runt, staring up at the thing that had appeared. 

For a split second Horry thought it was another leper formation.  Then he realised it was a colossal love heart, composed of what looked like bright pink stars.  Piercing the heart was a giant cupid's arrow, complete with feathered tip.  

Suddenly the wood around them erupted in screams.  A whole lot of men came along and captured Winky the house elf.  They discovered that whoever had performed the spell had done it using Horry's wand.  Winky was punished severely- she was given a miniskirt and boob tube, and was forced to wear them for the rest of her days.  Oh, and she got fired.

Horry went back to the tent, where they learnt that the giant love heart was Gaylord Voldemortimer's secret symbol, and that the Death Eaters (people who eat dead people) would fly it above the houses they'd egged.  Mr Weasel then told them that they were going home first thing in the morning.


End file.
